You’re in a relationship, there’s conflict, what do you do? A lot of times we get stuck in the same old way of arguing that usually arises from our attachment style. Avoidants flee the scene. Anxious attachers chase. Dismissives do both. If you’ve grown up in a household where conflict looked like an all-out war then you most likely have a hard time when conflict arises. And you probably don’t even know what healthy conflict looks like.
Healthy conflict between couples looks like open, respectful, and constructive communication. It involves both partners being able to express their thoughts and feelings honestly, without fear of being judged or rejected. In a healthy conflict, both partners feel heard and understood and are able to work together to find a solution that meets both of their needs. It takes a lot of work and trusts to be able to show up in this way.
Here are a few tools you can try the next time you’re in a conflict.
Active Listening: Usually you’re waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can get your point across, which means you’re not listening. Try taking turns and reflecting back on what the other is saying. Both partners listen attentively to each other, focusing on understanding each other’s perspectives.
Respectful Tone: The conversation remains respectful, even when the topic is emotionally charged.
A Shared Goal: At the end of the day you probably both want the same thing. You just come at with from a different viewpoint. The goal of the conflict is to find a solution that works for both partners, rather than simply winning an argument.
Problem-Solving Orientation: Get out of the blame game. Why do you have to be right? The focus is on finding a solution to the problem, rather than assigning blame.
Empathy: Both partners try to understand and empathize with each other’s feelings and experiences. This may sound like, “I can see how you feel neglected when I work late and then spend my weekends playing golf.”
Flexibility: Can you both win in this situation? Absolutely! This looks like both partners are willing to compromise and find a solution that meets both of their needs.
Positive Outcome: You good? Are we good? Check-in with each other when you’ve come to an agreement. The conflict is resolved in a way that leaves both partners feeling heard, understood, and satisfied.
In conclusion, healthy conflict in couples is an opportunity for growth, intimacy, and increased understanding. It requires both partners to be open, respectful, and focused on finding a solution that works for both of them.
