Have you ever felt that your partner is hard to read or elusive? It might seem like they don’t fully give you their heart, and you wish they would express more desire or need for your company. If this sounds familiar, you may be dealing with a fearful avoidant partner.
Many people struggle with this, especially those who are high achievers and anxious love seekers. It’s important to recognize that your own tendencies might contribute to the dynamic. The good news is that there are changes you can make to improve your relationship.
Your partner was avoidant way before you came along…
First, understand that your partner had an avoidant attachment style before meeting you. Yer, it’s true. Your partner did not develop their avoidance because of you. They were always avoidant (although they may blame you). Avoidant partners and anxious love seekers often attract each other, but without strategies from secure love creators, this combination can exacerbate each other’s anxieties and avoidant behaviors.
It’s not about you!
Personal awareness of your own tendencies is crucial. One common issue for anxious love seekers is the tendency to see everything in relation to themselves, especially perceived negatives. If you often feel inadequate when your partner’s mood changes, this self-critical mindset can prevent you from seeing their needs or heart. Many people have lost their sense of personal power, making it difficult to understand that a partner who appears aloof might actually need something from you.
Fearful avoidant partners may have needs they are not even aware of. By understanding these needs, you can build a secure love and deep emotional bond. Many people in relationships with anxious love seekers struggle to surrender to love. This is not because of you, but rather a result of their own experiences and tendencies.
Some avoidant partners feel a responsibility to take care of others, often stemming from being parentified. Or your partner may have experienced parental neglect which can make relationships and closeness feel overwhelming, leading to emotional avoidance.
Caretaker or connection?
Despite being apprehensive about emotionality, these people are often attracted to partners who seem to need extra care, reinforcing their caretaker identity. However, you’re not looking for a caretaker. You want someone with whom to connect. The good news is that these people do want to fall in love but need to learn that it is safe to love and that you can take care of your own feelings.
To create a space for secure love with an avoidant partner, focus on yourself instead of wondering what’s wrong with them. Learn to communicate your needs, desires, and boundaries clearly. This helps relieve your partner of the pressure to perform, allowing him to yield to his emotions in a secure relationship.
Communicate that you are okay and capable of taking care of yourself. Don’t internalize your partner’s struggles as being about you. This helps them see you as a safe person with whom he can share his concerns. Additionally, appreciate his gifts, efforts, and time spent together.
Expressing your needs openly and without shame helps them understand your expectations and decide if they want to be part of your life. Accessing and communicating your emotions effectively can be challenging due to past attachment trauma, but it’s something that can be learned.
Implementing these strategies can make your fearful avoidant partner eager to make you happy out of genuine desire, not obligation.
